I read a quote recently that said “I love being a mom, but I didn’t love being me” and that hit me right through the heart like an arrow (it was Jessica Simpson by the way, yes I ordered her book, and yes I am enjoying it so far thankyouverymuch)
Since Ava was born, I’ve had a bit of an identity crisis. I love playing with my daughter and watching her learn and grow and talk and laugh and every time she calls out ‘mummy’ to me. But I also have a little voice inside that makes me feel like I am not enough. It’s partly the stigma of being a stay at home mum, the idea that I swan around the house as my child plays quietly as I make elaborate meals for my husband (snorts) It’s also partly because I had been indoctrinated into that school of thought where being busy and burnt out is the only socially acceptable way to be.
I was programmed to be go, go, go and now I have these conflicting feelings that I’m not out there killing it/bossing it etc. Nowadays I’m most likely on the floor up to my elbows in crayons and Cheerios -parenting is exhausting and rewarding but it doesn’t carry the same weight as someone else pursuing their career.
As I became pregnant and lost my job, on the other side (online) I watched my follower count drop, my blog stats decrease, and the PR emails and invitations dried up. So, I closed down my old blog. I shrank my social media time. I was happy to focus on motherhood. It was a new chapter! I told myself. I was having this longed for baby at last! I just didn’t think that I would continue to have wobbles this long afterwards. I feel invisible.
Katherine Ormerod shared this brilliant post about her experience becoming pregnant and how it affected her career opportunities. This is Katherine Ormerod we’re talking about. If she encountered this block, than what chance did I have?
In a long winded way, I am saying that I know this is one of many different seasons of life and parenthood. My dad tells me that I’ll look back and see this as the golden years. So, with that nugget of truth I’ll try and remember to just savour this time with my daughter, with our crayons and our Cheerios and our Peppa Pigs and bubbles and I’ll ignore that voice that questions my self worth and work on being nicer to myself. I want to love being a mum, and love being me again.4